By Selywn Duke
Step right up, folks! We have here behind these mysterious walls curiosities to amaze and astound. See the lawyer with anger issues who’ll scream at the court like Sam Kinison and then put a take-down move on the bailiff. See the attorney who’ll sue on your behalf because American Airlines didn’t hire your legally blind self as a jumbo-jet pilot, and then become the judge when in court and rule in your favor. See the voting-rights attorney who can divine guilt or innocence based solely on skin color! It’s all here for a measly $28.2 billion a year.
What this is all about is a story right out of the You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up file. The Department of Justice is now pulling out all the stops to hire, writes PJ Tatler, “attorneys and staff who are dwarfs or who have ‘psychiatric disabilities’ or ‘severe intellectual disabilities.’” This includes people with schizophrenia (as if the liberalism afflicting DOJ employees isn’t enough mental disorder for one person). Welcome to One Flew Over the Shyster’s Nest.
And there’s more. These “targeted disability” hires can “self-identify” their disability. Moreover, they won’t have to compete with other civil-service applicants, but, rather, can be hired before a position is advertised or prior to its closing date, and they also can receive a special dispensation from the requirement that new DOJ attorneys have a year of practicing law under their belt. Heck, it’s even rumored that these quota hires won’t have to know there are 50 states, how to spell Ohio, how to pronounce “corpsman” or what state or century you’re in when giving a speech. (Okay, that last line was a joke. With a story this ridiculous, people may confuse fact with fiction unless that’s pointed out.)
What’s responsible for a policy so unfathomable? Some may figure it’ll allow the matching of Attorney General Eric Holder with the right employee so the DOJ can finally have a complete idiot. Perhaps, though, Holder is merely using a variation on a technique Rodney Dangerfield articulated in “Back to School.” To wit: if you want to look thin, surround yourself with fat people. No chance of being outshone by your psyche-ward underlings, huh, Eric the Red?
Anyway, Holder is fit to be the top dog in his asylum. I mean, he’s not disabled—he’s differently abled! Who else can play a voting-rights shell game where states get sued for requiring voter I.D., menacing Black Panthers get off for intimidating voters, and residents of a New York town get six votes each so as to increase minority representation? Watch the cups now! Where’s the fairness? Nope, wrong again! So now you stand over there with the military—no vote for you!
This policy is a modern-college try at bringing radical egalitarianism to full flower, and it’s a good example of why I’ve often said that those advocating such things have equality on the brain. Yet this is predicated on the assumption that gray matter is extant at the DOJ. This notion is thrown into question for many reasons, not the least of which is that the DOJ sideshow barkers omitted from their list the tattooed, live-animal-eating geek, the bearded lady and the microcephalic. Although, the DOJ certainly does seem to have an abundance of pinheads.
If you’re wondering about my tone, no, I don’t really think this is a joke. It’s just a situation where if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. And all I can say is, beam me up, Scotty. You may be going where no man has gone before, but it can’t possibly be any weirder than this place is becoming.